Something every relationship has in common is that they all face some degree of conflict. It’s completely normal for partners to disagree about things like opinions, expectations, and emotional needs. However, how couples handle those disagreements is what actually matters.
Becoming proficient in resolving conflicts with your partner will lead to better communication and understanding of the conflict. A little bit of hard work and patience in resolving these disagreements can bring the couple closer than they were before. Conflicts, when solved, strengthen the relationship.
Why do relationship conflicts happen?
There are so many different reasons behind these conflicts. There are the more obvious financial, workload, chore, and time spent together issues. There are also the hidden emotional needs.
Common reasons for conflict:
- Poor communication
- Different expectations
- Disagreements over finance
- Not enough quality time
- Jealousy or insecurity issues
- Family issues
- Personal boundaries
- Distinctive lifestyles
- Things that happened to you before
- Job-related stress
- Life stress
Solving the real problem as opposed to going in a circle over every word in the argument is a better way to handle the situation.
Because Before You Respond
When people get to a point of anger, I have noticed that it is usually not the time to share what is on their mind. It is best to pause, to cool down, to let anger pass. This does not mean that you are running away from the problem; it just means you are giving yourself the time to think and the person the time to think before you continue the conversation that was happening.
1. I could say, “I want to talk about this. I need to calm down first.”
The important part is coming back to this later instead of leaving it hanging.
2. Avoid attacking your partner’s character in the first place, since there is a big difference between “I am upset you did not tell me about the change” and “you never care about anything.” The first reflects a specific behavior; the second is a personal attack.
3. Try to focus on the problem and not the person, since this will help you achieve your goal easier.
4. It is a good habit to try to understand your partner’s perspective of the situation.
This means you are not forming an opinion about the situation and agreeing with the things they say; rather, you are giving them a chance to explain their perspective.
The best way to do this is to simply ask, “What did you understand from the situation?” or “What made you feel that way?” You can also ask, “What did you need from us?” or “What do you need from me?” to help them understand they can lean on you to be there for them as they explain their side of the situation.
5. “I feel ignored” instead of “you always ignore me” is a great way to put your feelings out there without attacking your partner.
“I” statements allow both parties to feel safe during difficult communication.
6. Don’t Pull Every Past Mistake From the Queue
Past problems tend to crop up during the course of most conversations. Brooding over all the old problems at once tends to cloud the picture of the present problem.
Old issues should be addressed separately once both parties involved have cooled down. A productive argument involves discussing issues only related to the subject under question. It is absolutely not healthy to keep a tally of your partner’s wrongdoings.
7. Recognize the Need Haunting the Conflict
A lot of the times, the real reason behind the argument is not the reason that is being stated aloud. For example, argument-causing issues related to lack of time spent together may be rooted in the instigator’s feelings of importance. Texting issues may be caused by an unmet need for security and reassurance.
Find out what your partner is lacking in the situation. Is it time, attention, support, space, reassurance, or respect? Finding the real cause of the issue will illuminate the real solution.
8. Compromise for an Equitable Solution
Every person hopes to resolve conflicts to their complete satisfaction. Finding the middle ground between your and your partner’s needs is a much more productive way to resolve conflicts.
9. Set Aside Times If You Need Both
Compromise is not lacking a need. It is finding and meeting in the middle. If one partner wants quality time and the other wants more space, find a balance. I spend moments giving my partner my attention. I make sure to respect the need for space. Both you and your partner need room to breathe and to connect.
10. Know When To Take a Break
Allowing things to deteriorate by continuing an argument while so worked up is not productive and doesn’t benefit anyone. When you and your partner are shouting or simply unable to continue listening, taking a break is better than continuing to argue.
Time should be purposely set aside so that the other person is not negatively impacted by disappearance. A break means healing.
11. Learn how to repair your relationship after a conflict.
Repairing your relationship does not always bring closure.
Reconnecting, especially after a difficult conversation, can heal an argument. Closeness, without doubt, can be restored with an apology, a hug, or simply interaction.
After a hard conversation, may we ask, “What can we do differently next time?” This makes relationships better. Helps relationships avoid these difficult conversations and hard emotions.
Part of respect is being able to disagree with others. Let us be clear: you can feel angry without being cruel. Healthy disagreements let both of you feel frustration and let both of you treat each other with at least some respect.
Communication That Resolves Nothing
If you think the conflict is solved, the solution is probably going to end up raising the conflict yet again. Repeating yourself isn’t helpful, if not downright frustrating. It also isn’t helpful to shout, be sarcastic, be disruptive, ignore people, and just keep bringing up everything that is not related to the problem. It requires a lot more than that to solve a problem, and you know it.
If you keep calling the same conflict the same thing, you need to talk about what’s underneath it to finally call it finished for good. Fighting about house chores might mean that one of you feels underappreciated for their work or that there is an imbalance in the amount of work done in the household. To keep tensions high by arguing the same points, step back and look at the issue as a whole.
Healthy conflict versus unhealthy conflict
There are differences when talking about healthy conflict versus unhealthy conflict.
Healthy conflicts can have participants that are upset and emotional, but they are able to express themselves and don’t end with someone getting bullied or hurt. That means that healthy conflicts end with no emotional wounds that require time to recover from, and participants in conflict understand how to conduct themselves properly and in a nonviolent way.
Active participants in these conflicts understand that real conflict happens when you actually talk about resolving problems. This is the basis of healthy conflicts, and this approach prevents conflicts from spiraling into abuse. Unhealthy conflicts take a lot of work to recover from and result in past abusive relationships and emotional trauma.
How to Prevent Unnecessary Conflicts
I have found that one way to stop conflicts is to set up a communication plan before conflicts show up by chatting.
You must set expectations. Setting expectations keeps the conversation clear. Avoid aggressive behavior because passive-aggressive behavior can damage trust. Share feelings when they trouble you or keep feelings hidden. I see sharing feelings helps both people understand each other better. I also find it helpful to remember that having opinions is normal.
Having opinions does not always mean that there is a problem. The same applies to believing that arguments have to be harmful because arguments do not always create harm. Recognizing that arguments can be healthy helps maintain a perspective.
When should couples ask for help?
If partners are not able to get past problems by themselves, they should think about getting help from someone who specializes in relationships. If they are still not able to get past problems after trying to find a solution, that is a good time to ask for help.
This does not mean that the relationship is breaking down; this usually means that people just want to understand the relationship and the problems better.
A relationship professional or qualified mental health professional can give support to build a safe space for people who feel emotionally vulnerable after conflict. The relationship professional or mental health professional can talk with participants to find patterns that repeat in conflicts.
Frequently Asked Questions
How can a person deal with fights in a relationship when fights become frequent?
To fix problems in a relationship, a person should first listen to what the partner has to say. Then a person must discover what the problem really is. After that a person should talk about feelings in a way. Finally, the person and the partner should join forces to find a solution that works for both parties.
Is it okay to have conflicts in a relationship?
Absolutely, I think it is. Conflicts are simply events that arise when two people are different when their outlooks, ideologies, and preferences do not match.
How do you stop fighting about the thing in a relationship?
If you want to stop fighting about the things in a relationship, you have to look past the immediate argument and the underlying conflict. Focus on the needs of each person. Try to reach a compromise.
Do you take breaks during fights?
When emotions run high and the argument is going nowhere, you should pause the argument.
Let your partner know that you need to step from the argument to cool off.
What is the biggest mistake couples make in conflicts?
The biggest mistake couples make in fighting is directly relating to the arguments and winning the argument. Couples have trouble fixing the problem because couples bring up issues that no longer matter.
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Final Thoughts
I believe that managing relationship conflicts is part of forging a long-term relationship. When we handle conflict in a way, we build stronger future relationships. Relationship incompatibility due to disagreements is a myth. It is how both partners are able to keep cool and understand each other that matters and not winning an argument.
Listen before you react. Focus on the actual issue. Speak your truth.
Speaking your truth is very important, and so is taking a break to let the other person cool down when things get heated.
I believe disagreements can be handled without destroying a relationship.
The key is learning how to argue without losing respect, trust, and the bond that connects. Speak your truth.
Respect and trust are key to a relationship.